Warning: The following post contains graphic depictions of heavy 'emo-ing'. Readers who have a dislike for 'emo-ers' may choose to switch their current website. Not for the faint of hearted. Viewer discretion is advised.
Rated: M18
I told myself that i wouldn't cry again. I broke that promise today.
Some Halloween this turned out to be.
Performed 3 songs for Monthly Performance today. The other 2 instrumentals? Managed to convince Larry that i need more practicing. I guess, that was the only good thing that happened today.
Last minute practices went well in the clubhouse. Skipped ETE tutorial just to be there. Later on in LT73, i went through the song order and discovered the first of a serious of events which would send me spiraling down into the dark void.. again. Going through the order of the songs to be performed, i found that my song was the 8th one.. and the 9th.. and the 10th. Perfect no? The 3 songs belonged to the same genre, so playing style being the same would be inevitable. It wasn't bad enough that i would play the same type of beat for the 3 songs tonight, so now i was to play them one after another. Great! Now there would absolutely be ZERO chances that i won't be noticed playing the same thing over and over and over. Cheers! =D
When it got down to playing, it went ok.. until the last song, which was written by weibin, keyboard played by angeline and sung by chien wen. I simply don't know what came over me. After the 1st chorus, what i was playing was different from what we praticed before. AND, instead of stopping at a certain point in the middle of the 2nd chorus, i went on with a ridiculously long fill-in that spanned for, i don't know, 1 bar? Seriously, WHAT WAS I THINKING? No clue. Not. At. All.
I felt so terrible after the playing the 3 songs. I had to go to the toilet to wash up after my last song. What is wrong with me? I just don't understand why i can never do things right. People entrusts me with the role of playing the drums for their songs, and what do i do? Screw their songs up all over. Nice going.
Weibin told me that he liked how the song was performed, angeline said it was okay that i had forgotten about the last part 'cause my timing was still there. I don't know what to think. I didn't agree with weibin that his song was done well, and so what if i had kept the timing? The long fill-in probably killed the song 'cause it didn't feel right to me. Wait, that can't be right.. 'cause.. i don't know how to feel the mood of the songs anyway. Everytime i hear a song, i don't know what is the correct way to play it. I have to depend on Mandy to translate the songs feel for me.
After SCC was over and done with, everyone who wasn't part of ending the day was waiting at the area just outside the toilets as usual. I noticed tht she was sitting all alone at the other side. I was about to walked over when i stopped myself. I remember the promise that i made to her. We were to go on as normal friends, and that i wouldn't make any moves that might make her feel i'm trying to get close to her again.
I was so torn up inside. I know very well that if she was still unaware of my feelings for her, i could walk over without a doubt and talked to her, accompanied her so she wouldn't be alone, because that's what friends do. But the reality is she does know my feelings for her. I was so afraid that if i did go over, she might misinterpret as me trying to get her to like me. No one would understand how i felt at that very point. One side of me wanted to get over to her side, to make her smile, laugh, and be happy. The other side was pulling me away, telling me to back off, to prevent the possibility of us not being friends at all, and that side won.
If i could, i would exchange a lifetime of my happiness for a moment of her sadness, but i can't. Why?
The distance between us, is just too great.. The more i want to help, the more i find myself stepping back.
Have you ever had this strong desire to give happiness to that special someone, but found out that you can never do a thing about it? Ever wondered how that would feel?
Don't even go there, you wouldn't want to know that feeling eating you from the insides.
I don't know how i kept smiling in front of everyone. I just did it, but it was getting harder with every passing minute. I know i had to leave soon, before i give in to myself. So i went to take-away a cup of iced milo and said my goodbyes to everyone when they had just started to get settled in their sits. I quickly left KAP and boarded the bus, homeward bound. All of a sudden, i just thought about the comments which some people had written down in the song's score sheet. How can i not? They had been stuck in my head ever since i read them while everyone was heading to KAP earlier on. Most of the comments were left blank. When i finally did find the comments for the songs i performed for, i wished i never did.
Some of the comments went like, "drums and keyboard were playing their own thing", "play the drums, don't tickle them", and of course, the best comment," drums were played wrongly (for the song)". So yeah.. those comments confirmed what was nagging me from the time i performed finished the 3 songs.
It really got me thinking. Should i have ever picked my learning the drums at all? The decision i made nearly a year ago, was it the right move? The worst drummer i have ever met faces me everytime i stand in frobt of a mirror. Look at where it's got me so far. I still can't feel a song and how i should go about playing it. Songs which i massacred, be it rehearsing or performing. The negative comments i've recieved ever since i started. With so much duds, how can i go on drumming? How indeed..
I wish that i can stop performing for awhile, but i know i have at least 2 more performances to go, which is for Larry. From the looks of things, i won't have to worry about people approaching me to play for their songs 'cause they pretty much havce seen how i can kill their song from the Monthly Performance. And to think i told Mandy that i'm probably better off playing the pop-rock or rock genre. It doesn't matter anymore. Whatever i play, it's gonna be terrible. Period.
With so much weighing on my mind, and also the contributing factor of the songs which i have carefully chosen to listen to, it's no wonder that i cracked. It feels so silly, to cry on the bus alone, but i can't help it, can i? I just feel so useless. I have no role anywhere. Be it in SCC, in school, at home, or even my existence on planet Earth.
I don't compose lyrics nor melody. I can't sing to save my life. I get bad grades. I'm a social outcast. I don't help in the family business. I'm a lost cause at relationships. Never even had a handful of true friends.
The very passion of my life, which is to drum, is something that i will never be good at.
Nothing to live for. Nothing to die for.
What becomes of me now?
-End of 'emo'-
Rated: M18
I told myself that i wouldn't cry again. I broke that promise today.
Some Halloween this turned out to be.
Performed 3 songs for Monthly Performance today. The other 2 instrumentals? Managed to convince Larry that i need more practicing. I guess, that was the only good thing that happened today.
Last minute practices went well in the clubhouse. Skipped ETE tutorial just to be there. Later on in LT73, i went through the song order and discovered the first of a serious of events which would send me spiraling down into the dark void.. again. Going through the order of the songs to be performed, i found that my song was the 8th one.. and the 9th.. and the 10th. Perfect no? The 3 songs belonged to the same genre, so playing style being the same would be inevitable. It wasn't bad enough that i would play the same type of beat for the 3 songs tonight, so now i was to play them one after another. Great! Now there would absolutely be ZERO chances that i won't be noticed playing the same thing over and over and over. Cheers! =D
When it got down to playing, it went ok.. until the last song, which was written by weibin, keyboard played by angeline and sung by chien wen. I simply don't know what came over me. After the 1st chorus, what i was playing was different from what we praticed before. AND, instead of stopping at a certain point in the middle of the 2nd chorus, i went on with a ridiculously long fill-in that spanned for, i don't know, 1 bar? Seriously, WHAT WAS I THINKING? No clue. Not. At. All.
I felt so terrible after the playing the 3 songs. I had to go to the toilet to wash up after my last song. What is wrong with me? I just don't understand why i can never do things right. People entrusts me with the role of playing the drums for their songs, and what do i do? Screw their songs up all over. Nice going.
Weibin told me that he liked how the song was performed, angeline said it was okay that i had forgotten about the last part 'cause my timing was still there. I don't know what to think. I didn't agree with weibin that his song was done well, and so what if i had kept the timing? The long fill-in probably killed the song 'cause it didn't feel right to me. Wait, that can't be right.. 'cause.. i don't know how to feel the mood of the songs anyway. Everytime i hear a song, i don't know what is the correct way to play it. I have to depend on Mandy to translate the songs feel for me.
After SCC was over and done with, everyone who wasn't part of ending the day was waiting at the area just outside the toilets as usual. I noticed tht she was sitting all alone at the other side. I was about to walked over when i stopped myself. I remember the promise that i made to her. We were to go on as normal friends, and that i wouldn't make any moves that might make her feel i'm trying to get close to her again.
I was so torn up inside. I know very well that if she was still unaware of my feelings for her, i could walk over without a doubt and talked to her, accompanied her so she wouldn't be alone, because that's what friends do. But the reality is she does know my feelings for her. I was so afraid that if i did go over, she might misinterpret as me trying to get her to like me. No one would understand how i felt at that very point. One side of me wanted to get over to her side, to make her smile, laugh, and be happy. The other side was pulling me away, telling me to back off, to prevent the possibility of us not being friends at all, and that side won.
If i could, i would exchange a lifetime of my happiness for a moment of her sadness, but i can't. Why?
The distance between us, is just too great.. The more i want to help, the more i find myself stepping back.
Have you ever had this strong desire to give happiness to that special someone, but found out that you can never do a thing about it? Ever wondered how that would feel?
Don't even go there, you wouldn't want to know that feeling eating you from the insides.
I don't know how i kept smiling in front of everyone. I just did it, but it was getting harder with every passing minute. I know i had to leave soon, before i give in to myself. So i went to take-away a cup of iced milo and said my goodbyes to everyone when they had just started to get settled in their sits. I quickly left KAP and boarded the bus, homeward bound. All of a sudden, i just thought about the comments which some people had written down in the song's score sheet. How can i not? They had been stuck in my head ever since i read them while everyone was heading to KAP earlier on. Most of the comments were left blank. When i finally did find the comments for the songs i performed for, i wished i never did.
Some of the comments went like, "drums and keyboard were playing their own thing", "play the drums, don't tickle them", and of course, the best comment," drums were played wrongly (for the song)". So yeah.. those comments confirmed what was nagging me from the time i performed finished the 3 songs.
It really got me thinking. Should i have ever picked my learning the drums at all? The decision i made nearly a year ago, was it the right move? The worst drummer i have ever met faces me everytime i stand in frobt of a mirror. Look at where it's got me so far. I still can't feel a song and how i should go about playing it. Songs which i massacred, be it rehearsing or performing. The negative comments i've recieved ever since i started. With so much duds, how can i go on drumming? How indeed..
I wish that i can stop performing for awhile, but i know i have at least 2 more performances to go, which is for Larry. From the looks of things, i won't have to worry about people approaching me to play for their songs 'cause they pretty much havce seen how i can kill their song from the Monthly Performance. And to think i told Mandy that i'm probably better off playing the pop-rock or rock genre. It doesn't matter anymore. Whatever i play, it's gonna be terrible. Period.
With so much weighing on my mind, and also the contributing factor of the songs which i have carefully chosen to listen to, it's no wonder that i cracked. It feels so silly, to cry on the bus alone, but i can't help it, can i? I just feel so useless. I have no role anywhere. Be it in SCC, in school, at home, or even my existence on planet Earth.
I don't compose lyrics nor melody. I can't sing to save my life. I get bad grades. I'm a social outcast. I don't help in the family business. I'm a lost cause at relationships. Never even had a handful of true friends.
The very passion of my life, which is to drum, is something that i will never be good at.
Nothing to live for. Nothing to die for.
What becomes of me now?
-End of 'emo'-
posted by lone at
11:04 PM
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